Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How external is "for external use only"?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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