Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
