Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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