I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
