my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
