Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
