My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
