Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
