Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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