i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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