I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
