If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
