This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
