i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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