take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
