I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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