i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
