Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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