i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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