Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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