my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
