You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
