A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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