did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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