one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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