I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize