Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He did a backflip because drugs
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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