Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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