hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize