I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
