my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
