just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
