maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
