I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
