I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
