Do you still have your period?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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