my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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