I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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