I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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