xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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