RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize