my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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