my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
