I want her autograph on my taint
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
