i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
