So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
