remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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