he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
