the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
