It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
