I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish they made helmets for livers.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She's the barista slut.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
