You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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