So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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