My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
