Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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