We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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