i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You're a waste of cheezeits
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
